Maria, Full of Grace (but not really)

Maria Jun,

You are simply.

Fantasmic

Fantabulous

Oh wait, I think i'm talking about myself.

Anyway,

This is a blag entry devoted to Maria.

BLAG

Often, I check this blag and I realize I haven't been taking much care of it. Well, what can I say? There's not much I want to throw out there at the moment. Not that this means that my life is boring. I personally find something quite fantastic about living and learning... sort of. Last week, I finally got around to reading Sunzi's Art of War and Machiavelli's Prince. Do I sound like a megalomaniac to you? If I do, you are a good judge of character (at least, in this case.). But my obsession with war, conquest, politics, strange as it may seem, are quite separate from my obsession with taking over the world. OR maybe not. I just get a kick from reading different methodologies (or rather philosophies?), perhaps strategies, behind war, who wages war, why wars are fought, if wars are truly inevitable, etc. While I would love to get in the arena one day, I'd like to just analyze the way people work rather than be part of the broiling masses. My interest lies not in interacting, but in dissecting for the sole purpose of investigation. Me ruling the world is a branch of my idealistic, "the world can be saved and I'm going to do it," whatever you call that, while my obsession with war is more based on understanding... gulp.... humans, like da Vinci ripping open cadavers.

So if at any time, I find myself wanting to blurt out a connection I've seen or something utterly amazing that I need to discuss, I'll write an entry. If not, well, don't check the blog. and stop complaining. geez.

LIFE

Lately, I'm been in this super stellar mood where I am ridiculously bitter, and then I become ridiculously angry and then I just feel nothing. I thought to blame it on my female anatomy, aka that time of the month, but apparently it's not that. Here are a list of some of my other symptoms:

1) two to three hours in bed before I fall asleep; I wake up an hour later.

2) increasingly sensitive to and irritated by subtle gestures that seem to be negative (e.g. when people agree with you while their eyes point to the side instead of looking at you.)

3) following 2, overanalyzing situations and seeing unfounded connections.

I typed this up and searched on wiki. I got, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder.

... And some symptoms for PTSD are:

difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance

ok. So clearly, (or maybe it's not clear to you), I don't have PTSD. I mean... psychological trauma? I don't think I've had any particularly intense experiences. Ok. that's a lie. I can recall a few that I won't divulge because. well. In all honesty, I'm not good with emotions. at. all.

Anyway, it's a bit unnerving that the symptoms match up so well. Then again, for a couple weeks, I did think I was bi-polar. which I now know that I'm not. Something about psychological disorders just resonates with me. Either that means the disorders are overblown, or I'm seriously fucked up. I always said I was fucked up. Now I think I'm starting to accept it.

People

I should really be doing my p-set, but today, I finally reached this stage of blinding hatred for one of my "close" friends.

I always tell people I have no expectations, so they should relax around me. I won't judge. And I won't. Because I don't believe in people. I don't have faith in people. People means the masses, the conglomeration and melding of personalities into a disgusting uniform blob. Sometimes, this conformity may be good, benign, or bad. It's predictable, and understandable. The idea can be irrational, but it can be comprehended.

Individuals, on the other hand, are a whole different story. I believe in an individual. If I see you as an individual person, it's because I can trust you to be rational, logical, and loyal to yourself, to the person you declared yourself to be. So I have enormous faith in the person. This does not mean that I trust that particular person or expect loyalty from them. I don't. I'm not that stupid. But I am stupid for a different reason. Once I trust an individual, I will never ever betray that person. Why should I choose trust someone? Because he gives me the opportunity to give him a chance. He gives me valid reason to take that step. This is not why I am stupid. In this world, anyone who only trusts himself is bound to fail. I am stupid because once a trusted individual betrays me, I should know never, ever to trust that individual again. But time and time again, I have allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of comfort and security around that exact same individual. And that is what is so stupid. Betrayal is bitter, and excruciating. And it makes me realize just how weak humans are. I have never thought myself to be a strong person. However, I am firm in my convictions. Unfortunately, it appears that this is not true for many individuals. In fact, the really stupid thing is, I should have no expectations for those individuals in the first place since they are just parts of masses as opposed to unique entities. I can only blame myself for having an untrained eye and for being so naive.

College III - Laundry Day

I've never done laundry in my life. I rarely do the dishes. I rarely cook. Actually I can't cook. I suppose I'm spoiled. Ok, so I'm spoiled.

but today, I learned how to do laundry.

It was a bit daunting.

but I managed.

Well, we'll see how the load turns out.

o.O

O.o

O.O

ok. I'm freaking out.

College II

How do you get over a hangover? Coffee and Aspirin? Suck it up and live through the pain?

I'll tell you the answer: Just get drunk.

Apparently hangovers are withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. I could be wrong. If I am, let me know. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hangover.

So, why am I talking about hangovers?

Well, I am experiencing something similar to a hangover.

Over this week, I have consistently slept 3-4 hours (from 3:00AM~7:00AM) and I felt fine. Yesterday, since I had little motivation to actually do something, I decided to sleep at 12:00AM and wake up at my usual time of 7:00AM.

Today I woke up at 8:00AM, tired, disgruntled with a huge headache.

So how do you deal with the effects of sleep deprivation?

Answer: In the short term, just keep being sleep deprived. Apparently it causes the body to continually function under the stress of the fight or flight response (or at least, I assume so), which means, you will stay and feel awake. So don't let your body get that chance to relax. Keep it in perpetual fright. It works. Trust me.

So what about the long term effects? I mean, do you REALLY want to live to 80?

I don't know about you, but nursing homes just aren't my thing.

College

College. What can one say? Some people dive into it. Some people hold back. Some people go to frat parties their first week and come back trashed despite all the advertisements that the parties are "dry." And some people just really stay dry, and hang with a couple of new friends. Some people let themselves go and eat all the junk they couldn't at home. Some people refuse freshman 15. Some people are excited. Some people don't care. Some think college is awesome despite having been only six days. Others reserve judgement. But despite all the different opinions and despite all the different courses of actions that are chosen, they are all at college. And most of them are adults. And most of them don't act like it. All of them are children, young and untried, "living it up," so to speak.

Let's just hope that it stays that way. That the spirit to live, to try, to explore continues to survive into adulthood and through the middle ages until we finally die.

The greatest sadness is the act of failing, not in the pursuit of happiness, but in having the motivation to chase after it.

Y560

I have order my Ideapad!

The specs are pretty amazing. (4GB------> 8GB not that I'll need 8GB).

So I'm excited because everything seems amazing.

And I'm really nervous because the Y560 is notorious for its display problems. Hopefully, when I get the comp and it turns out crappy, I can either

1) Fix it.

2) Get a Full Refund.

=) Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Life is so Freaking Unfair!

Ok. So, I ordered my Thinkpad like... 5 days ago.

And today I find an Ideapad that's like...

amazing. Ok, the model is different but the hardware is like... SO MUCH BETTER and CHEAPER.

Specifications:

Operating System: Genuine Windows® 7 Home Premium 64-bit

Processor: Intel® Core™ i7-720QM Processor, 1.6 GHz (2.8 GHz with Turbo Boost Technology), 6MB L3 Cache

Graphics: ATI Mobility Radeon HD 5730 with 1GB dedicated memory

Memory: Configured with 4GB DDR3 1066MHz

Storage Drive: 500GB (5400 RPM) Serial ATA hard disk drive

Optical Disk Drive: Dual Layer DVD Recordable

Display: 15.6” widescreen LED Backlit WXGA VibrantView (1366x768)

Sound: 2x2w JBL® designed stereo speakers with Dolby® Home Theater™ Certification

Webcam: 1.3MP integrated web camera

Communications: 10/100/100 Ethernet, Intel® WiFi 1000 BGN

Expandability: ExpressCard/34™ slot, 6-in-1 Memory Card Reader (SD/ SD pro/ MS/ MS pro/ MMC / xD)

Ports: 2 USB 2.0, 1 USB 2.0/ESATA combo, 1 IEEE 1394, 1 VGA, 1 HDMI, 1 Microphone input jack, 1 Headphone out jack with SPDIF support

Battery: 6 cell Lithium Ion battery

Do you see that????? i7!!! and on top of that a pretty decent graphics card???? ~!@#$%^&*()_

Zune Zune Zune

For entering Freshman, College = Excitement. Freedom! Drugs! Alcohol! All that good stuff. At first, I wasn't particularly excited. I mean, college is college. And honestly, college is overrated. But, now that I am going to college, I find myself with the perfect excuse to jack up on all sorts of gizmos. So, I am very excited.

Some new treats I'm getting myself:

Lenovo T510: Intel Core i5, 4 GB Memory - and some other features. Not the highest specs, but still a nice computer and pretty damn good for the price and get this - it comes with a fingerprint reader. How sick is that?

Kindle 6.0" w/ Free 3G and Wi-fi: it weighs 8.7 ounces. To give you some perspective, the latest iPod 32g Touch is 4.05 ounces. Pretty freaking light.

Zune HD Video MP3 player: I've been debating about whether to get the Zune or the iPod Touch for the longest time and I've finally decided on the Zune. For one, it's less pricey. Two, HD???? The quality is just... amazing. Three, the Zune looks a lot sleeker to me.

I don't know, iPod fans. Is this just a bout of stupidity?
Am I being brainwashed by Microsoft?

College textbooks = a fortune.

Except not anymore!

At least, not for me.

I've managed to get a hold of multiple PDFs. And I must say, I am very excited. This will save me some $500 this semester which gives me ample funding to stock up on all my gadgets.

For instance, the Kindle + Zune will cost me $346.54. $404.93 if you include the Kindle's Leather Case and the Zune's Feather Case (ultra light and ultra strong polymer).

Now isn't that fantastic?

Now, what I can't understand, is why Apple is so freaking expensive!

Terribly overpriced! A standard laptop is like $1700! The question is, why?

Also, iPad w. Wi-fi and 3G = $629.00.

Really, What's the point of the iPad? I have my computer, my Zune, my Kindle. Ok, so why do I need an iPad? First of all, what exactly is the iPad? Honestly, it's not a computer. Some say it's a blown up iPod Touch. HM. Well, no thank you. Sorry hardcore Apple fans. What can I say? It just doesn't appeal to me.

Enough hating. If I remember correctly, this blog entry was written to commemorate a good day and good purchases.

So anyway, I am uber Excited!

Failure

I'm sorry.

I wasn't going to post until I read the entire Dodd-Frank Act (Actually, that was supposed to take ten days so failure regardless), but honestly, it's sort of difficult to chug through, um... 2000 pages. I got to 300 something. Doesn't that count for anything? I mean, halfassedness should count for something! I did spend some time reading that nonsense! Will I ever finish? I don't know, will Obama ever have a full head of hair? (Wait, does he have one?) I guess my point is, probably not, but hey! Rogaine exists, right? One day, just one day, maybe I'll decide it's worthwhile again to read it (hopefully that awaited time will not involve a major screw up at a firm) and finally, I will write a decent blog entry that is sort of intellectually stimulating. Until then, it's all blah for you people. Or... I could decide to write on something else.

Well, since I've been away for a while, I guess this'll be somewhat of an update.

What have I been doing?

I have been trying to be productive! And actually do stuff. The thing is, I only get motivation when I'm about to fall asleep, so I never really get anything done. Some cool things have happened to me though! Yesterday, for the first time in four years, I dreamed in math! Well, correction, I dreamed of math. I woke up thinking, of course it would only have two saddle points! Don't call that nerdiness because I can name about 100 people that I know who are 10 million times nerdier. The list starts with a certain Aristotle. All jokes aside (I use that phrase a lot. Have you noticed? I have. And if I've noticed, that means it's been overused... way overused... hm...), I've never been much of an academic. Maybe an intellectual, sort of, but never an academia type of person. The reason? I just get bored. or maybe the material just gets hard and I just don't get it, but I like to think I get bored and that's probably more accurate because I will put a book down after .5 seconds. So basically, I open the book and then I put it down. ... for good. Anyway, I've been trying to fix this whimsical nature of mine and so far, I have failed! At least, failed at going the extra mile. I have, however, progressed a few feet! Hey! At least that's some improvement! So instead of putting something down for good (that sort of sounds depressing. It could be substituted with "after I've killed something." HM...), I just sort of cast it aside in a strange hope that I will somehow pick it up again. So far I've "read" aka starting reading:

On the Origins of War and the Preservation of Peace (about 200 pages from this book. smack in the middle of WWI)

Man, the State and War (page 7 of the introduction)

The Prince (pg 75)

Principles of Mathematical Analysis (pg 73)

Infinite Jest (um... somewhere... it really is infinite...)

Differential Equations (lost track)

Economics and World History (smack in the middle of the great depression! so... pg. 10)

The Democratic Peace (Title)

Real and Complex Analysis (Table of Contents)

Chemical Principles (Title)

That's just my short summer reading list. As you can see, I am going somewhere. Hopefully, those titles will encourage me to move forward! Just wait till you see my list of "must-reads" aka "must know exists but who cares really?"

Ahahahaha. Can you imagine me in ten years???? what the HELL will I be doing? (other than being the richest person EVER) Hopefully, I won't be locked up in a mental institution.

Sometimes, I think I'm just a curious soul. Other times, I'm pretty sure I have ADD. or ADHD. It really depends on how many calories I consumed that day.

Sigh. I hate being young.

I have no excuse to NOT do anything (or maybe I have all the excuse?)

But, like a certain famous person said (no clue who and no quotations because it might or might not be verbatim): Everyone wants to live forever. No one wants to grow old.

But honestly, wouldn't it be awesome to be young and live forever? That way, you really do have an excuse not to do anything.

I mean, you can just say, it will happen eventually. Ever heard of the Monkey who can write the entire works of Shakespeare given a type writer and an infinite amount of time? That's right, there's no "I might succeed." There's just "I WILL succeed. I just don't know when."

Ok. Am I lame for reveling in such a thought? I'm sorry. That's what I do. Daydream, Rip my Hair out, Actually dream, sleep, be lazy, and sometimes, just sometimes, I sit down on my ass for ten minutes, open a book, and actually learn something and guess what, I never forget it. Ever. So you tell me. Am I really that much of a lazy ass?

The answer is: Yes. Of course, being lazy is just being lazy.

But I have a sneaking suspicion (except it's not really sneaking. It's jumping around naked and selling porn) that my ten minutes might just be worth someone else's half a day.

You might call this train of thought arrogance.

I call it Mad Skillz.

Oh, and count all the cliches I used in this post. I'll give you a lollipop.

The News is Never Mindlessly Entertaining

I know I said it would take me ten days to read the Dodd-Frank act and comment on it. I won't disappoint; it will take that long. So what is this post about? Can't you guess from the title?

The News is NEVER (EVER EVER EVER EVER) Mindlessly Entertaining.

So here I am, bored. Too lazy to skype people, too lazy to be productive (and the READ THAT 208 page summary WITH commentary), too lazy to eat, too lazy to do anything but sit and stare at the computer. There are no new episodes of CSI: Miami, NCIS:LA, CSI:NY... you get the picture. So, I decide to read some news. Catch up with the times. See what's going on in the world. I mean, it's important and I don't necessarily have to THINK. Thinking can come later. I just have to read and shove the information into my brain where hopefully it won't slip out of my nose or something.

I'm bored. I want to be entertained.

Entertained...

Mindlessly Entertained...

GIANT MONSOON OBLITERATES PAKISTAN KILLING 1,500 CIVILIANS: DEVASTATION WHILE PRESIDENT ASIF ZARDARI CHILLS IN FRANCE: POLITICAL UNREST: THE RISE OF RELIGIOUS GROUPS

RECESSION CONTINUES TO FUCK UP OUR LIVES: MAYBE THOUGHTLESSLY SPILLING MONEY ON RANDOM THINGS WASN'T GOING TO FIX THE DECLINING JOB MARKET: CAN THE DEMOCRATS FACE THIS CRIPPLING TRUTH?: THE RABBIT HOLE WAS A LOT DEEPER THAN WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT: THAT IS, WE DIDN'T BREAK OUR LEGS, WE BROKE OUR NECKS!!!

BLOODY DEMONSTRATIONS IN INDIAN KASHMIR: WE PELT POLICE WITH STONES WHILE WE DRAG DEAD (YES DEAD!) BODIES AROUND SCREAMING OUR HEADS OFF! "FREEDOM!" "YOUR BLOOD WILL START A REVOLUTION!"

and I could go on and on, but whats the point?

I mean,

"It seems today

that all we see, is VIOLENCE in OUR NEWS DISPLAYED on TV

But where are those MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENTS

on which we used to rely??????

Lucky there's a family guy! (where?)

.................................................................."

~!@#$%^&*()_

High School

It's scary how High School haunts me. Some random mornings, I wake up feeling anxious. In my dream I haven't gone to my Spanish class for several weeks. I'm afraid I'll fail the class, not graduate, and it's senior spring. While I'm feeling panicked in my dazed state, I force myself to realize, first, that I didn't take Spanish Spring Term and, second, that I already graduated. Can these "episodes" be classified as anxiety attacks? Could I be feeling four years worth of anxiety and nervousness crashing down on me all at once? Or is this common? This subconscious denial that high school is OVER?

I don't know what it is, but it still freaks the shit out of me.

You know what else freaks the shit out of me?

2,319 pages of the Dodd-Frank Act on Wall street Reform.

It is literally the scariest piece of legislature that I have ever seen. Probably because I never really look at any such documents and if I need to know the answer, I'll wiki it.

Try wiki-ing this!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodd–Frank_Wall_Street_Reform_and_Consumer_Protection_Act

Were you expecting to find a concise, 3 line... (oh fine.) I mean, 2-3 paragraph summary?

If Yes, join the club of outrageous optimists and we can have tea sometime.

If No, well, aren't you jaded? I'm kidding. You're logical, awesome really. Keep at it. Being Boring that is. I'm kidding about that as well. And I am NOT bitter.

So, of course I have the option of reading this wiki article.

Not bad eh? compared to 2319 pages?

but before I started devouring the text, I used my brain a little. Oooohhhh isn't that scary? Yeah yeah yeah, whatever.

Why bother reading something that's probs 25-30 pages of some pretty interesting (boring) stuff that's only going to give me an overview when I can read a concise 130 page summary by none other than the trusted Deutsche Bank or the 208 page summary with commentary by... I forget? I mean, if you're going to brave the shit, might as well get a full smack in the face, right?

So yeah,

now you know what the next post is going to be all about.

So, if you get bored by this kind of stuff.

I'm giving you fair warning.

see ya,

in like,

10 days. =)

Bach

People say you know when you are beginning to be fluent in another language when you speak it in your dreams.

Yesterday, I spoke in Music. I woke up today, rushed to my computer, found the piece I had been listening to, and then I clicked here and there, listening to Mozart, Brahms, and then... I clicked on Bach.

And it was sublime. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

And I never felt so inferior in my life.

Bach is famous for counterpoint. If you don't know what that is, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Counterpoint.

So, Bach somehow composes this fugue so that there are four (or five, or more!!!! who knows? I only heard four) distinct voices with distinct melodies that makes sense harmonically. If that isn't sick enough, try playing the fugue backwards. It STILL makes sense in terms of chord progression and harmony.

How do you do that?

How do you think of that?

How does that come to your head?

How do you put that kind of thing together?

Bach says: "I worked hard. Anyone who works as hard as I did can achieve the same results."

Does this sound hopeful? Motivational?

Who does Bach think he's fucking kidding?

Look, I don't doubt that if I do cultivate my talents, I will accomplish something.

But,

I feel like I lack the talent to do as much as Bach.

But then again,

Bach also said: "It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself."

maybe that's really all it takes.

Hard work towards touching the right key at the right time.

and one last quote from Bach, ze master of counterpoint: "Bring me a bowl of coffee before I turn into a goat."

Happiness

You know when you suddenly get depressed? It's like that... except I'm suddenly happy! For some reason, I just feel so bubbly and excited and ready to face the world!

Hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Tis a wonderful feeling!

It's like that song by OneRepublic:

"When you're happy like a fool, let it take it over!"

You ready for me world?

Cuz ready or not! Here I come! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There Are So Many God Damn People In This World

I love traveling. I really do. Why? Because I love to experience the thrill of being born again to a new place, a new environment, a new world with different cultures, foods, and climate. I relish the journey of getting to that place. A new development is happening. I fantasize about the trips I will embark on, the sites I will see, and the music I will hear; the artwork, the history, and the mass of people I don't know, will never know, and will never see again. I love traveling. It gives me the amazing opportunity to step back from my "busy," mundane, routine, machine life style and offers me a chance to live. That's why I'm in Korea. That's why I flew halfway around the world, lost 13 hours, dragged my giant ass suitcases from the airport, and embraced the wretched Korean humidity. Oops. My mistake.

I hate Facebook. Correction: I hate it when it ruins my life. By life, I mean current state of mind/mood. Most of the time, I waste hours creeping about, doing some "detective" work (creeping) and finding out random shit about people (oh she's in Europe. So and so are planning to meet up next weekend). The beauty of all this random shit is that it has nothing to do with me. I can know the lives of other plebians and not worry about the effects those lives will have on mine. It's like reading Harry Potter or Twilight or some other trashy, shallow stuff that's mildly entertaining and requires little effort and thought.

This is when I hate Facebook: Why are so many of my "friends" in KOREA? GOD DAMN IT!

By that, I'm not talking about the friends from high school that were international students. I mean, this is their home. I'm glad they're here. I came knowing they would be here. And I'll probably meet up with them some time when I get off my lazy ass. I know some people who are coming to this country. I'm glad they're coming. I know them, quite well. I might hang out with them. I'm excited to: have some meaningless chitchat, get fat on ice cream, watch a movie, laugh: basically, fun fun fun.

What I am not happy about: All these random people that I knew from middle school (I mean, middle school), and by middle I'm talking about the collective people I knew when I was a little snotnosed squirt in 6th, 7th, 8th grade whether through school, or private lessons, or camp -they're all here. And it honestly freaks the shit out of me. (Also tells me a lot about how diverse my friend pool was back then.) It terrifies me. What if I meet them in a museum and have to say hi and act like I'm all happy and shit to see them? What if I see them on the street? It's pretty likely. I mean, they're breathing all my fucking air. I hate it. What Happened to my God Damn Right to Invisibility?

It's times like these where I really fucking hate the fact that:

"it's a small world after all."

You Don't Get to 500 Million Friends without Making a Few Enemies

Hell, I don't even have 40 friends and I have enemies (maybe not?). Well this epic film is bringing to light creation, betrayal, dedication and "idea" to theaters some day. Hopefully not today, or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow... whatever. you get my point.

So here's what bugs me about this documentary-ish thing (other than the fact that it's featuring justin timberlake), this epic story of how a genius stuck in Harvard creates this social networking site which quickly spreads throughout the Harvard community and infects the rest of us like an unstoppable plague and then DUN DUN DUN, right when Mark's about to make the big bucks as a BILLIONAIRE ("i wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad..."), he gets betrayed, faces court charges but in the end, he prevails and becomes freaking rich and successful!: it's actually pointless. I mean, yes, every success story does have an unnecessary amount of drama to it, but that's not what gets me. What pisses me off is the fact that all this crap starts with some random genius dude who gets this genius idea and shi bang bang bang. GREATNESS! it's like. I'm pretty sure that's not how it happened. so they throw in BETRAYAL! ... and then it ends with PERSEVERENCE AND GREATNESS! so what we get stuck with is. GENIUS! GREATNESS! BETRAYAL! PERSEVERENCE! GREATNESS! ... well. thanks? When I get my big breakthrough smoking pot, I'll know what to expect. I'm not a fan of Mark Zuckerberg (really I'm not) and I sort of think he's ... a bit of a douche (but this is from the one encounter I actually had with him) but I'm not going to "contain" his accomplishments (i mean, if this blog was as widespread as fb, I'd be the one with the big bucks, the books, the movies, etc.) in some little box that plebians can understand. Which is exactly what these kinds of films DO. I haven't watched it, so I don't know if I'm being unnecessarily biased, but the trailer (yes, I even gave it the chance to prove its worth to me) was... terrible? really? GENIUS! BETRAYAL! = = . Someone kill me? seriously?

I don't know if people get inspired by this shit, but personally, I feel like it just trivializes the achievement. wtf is GENIUS anyway?

I don't buy it. Do you?

Dear Paragraph...

Dear My Lovely (Not-so Lovely) Paragraph,

How you smirk at me in your wretched, pitiful delusions of having structure. The gaping holes you flash as you yawn a smile through my thoughts, puncturing the bulging arteries of beautiful, beautiful words, assaulting the mind, slaughtering the soul- how they kill me! Your white claws rake through quaint phrases, unrelenting declarations, silent pleas - yes, you destroy them all! You degenerate fool, stuffed with your lack of understanding of the "delicate power of... [words]... that creep through the human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses..." Oh pitiful one, your existence the very bane of literature, foul fetter, I deny you! I shall always deny you! My denial will prevail till this brainwashed world sends an F to my doorstep! I stand firm against the tides of conformity - the shitty standards set by you, calamity, apocalypse, DEATH of consciousness! I DENY YOU!

Love,

Farrah

Those Dancing Days Are Gone

So, I've pretty much gotten past my culture shock and am chilling out with my grandpa for the week. I've never done so much math in one sitting my entire life. That and wasting my time watching CSI:Miami and random Korean shows. I feel lazy, so lazy that the thought of me doing anything makes my muscles slump and my bones melt. Yet, I also feel that I've never been more productive, more alive so to speak. I haven't been online for a while; by while, I mean two or three days, and in that time, I have felt extremely lonely, relieved, estatic and hopeful. I feel like during my life back home, even though I tried to be chill about everything, I was still caught up in a culture where success depended on how hard you worked at cramming as much information you could in a short amount of time. In high school, this cramming is important because as a teenager ("young adult"), it's necessary to build the basics of learning how to think and to lay the groundwork for the future. This process continues throughout college and graduate school. It's not really about what you learn but how to process the world around you. In order to do so, the individual is presented with a variety of fields - writing, mathematics, science, etc. All this in order to culture the brain and introduce different mentalities to amorphous blobs that are seeking to find themselves. All this is important. If an individual does not learn how to think, one cannot truly live. Personally, I have found this process annoying at best and hell when I felt normal. Not because I'm superior but because I simply learn a little differently and also because I was lazy beyond belief, so it is partly my fault - let me correct that statement - it's mostly my fault that I haven't actually learned anything of any particular value during my school years. I think the problem was, I was more interested in the existence of something rather than what I considered trivial questions like what, why, how, where, when. For me, this dissecting was a pain in the ass. I just wanted to know. It was so frustrating for me to keep cramming what without having the why and the how and if i partially knew the why I wanted to know where and when. Of course, knowledge can't just be processed as a huge chunk. If it could, there really wouldn't be any secrets to the universe. Human beings struggle to find the whole and do so by finding the small pieces that can only be found by putting together even smaller pieces. I understand that. And I understand that I am being selfish and stupid and ridiculous for wanting to have it all without breaking it down. That's just stupidity and excuses and sheer laziness. I get it. My parents have told me that. My siblings have told me that. My friends have told me that. In fact, the world has spat that into my face. I get it. But I hate the way I am forced to learn. Not the act of being forced to learn but the information that I am given to work with. Again, that is my fault. If I was truly motivated to learn and desired it badly enough, I would have gone out on my own to find it. So, I was lazy. My fault. If I didn't like what I was given, I should have gone out and done stuff on my own rather than blaming the system. There's this quote from somewhere that I really like: "If life gives you lemons, throw the lemons back unlike it gives you the oranges you originally asked for." I think there's ultimately two choices. 1) If you get lemons, make lemonade. 2) If you don't like lemons, get the goddamn oranges you wanted. No one gives a FUCK about what you do and no one puts restrictions on what you can achieve. But anyway, enough of the lecture and moving onto what I wanted to talk about. Now that I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want and not face the consequences (probably the last time I will be able to be like this until my retirement), I am finally able to sit down and just think. Here, there are no parents, or people that I know. One of my friends told me once that it was nice to be invisible once in a while. I understand what that means now. I don't know why it was so nice for him, but for me, there's a certain freedom to it. It's wonderful because I have the opportunity to see. I can finally see glimpses of the beauty of mathematics, of poetry, of music, of living. It's like waking up from a haze of mediocrity and understanding and finding myself lacking in that understanding and struggling to learn and to see and to feel. I have never felt so clear-headed, so grateful, and so willing to explore. This is why people need to travel. This is why it's necessary to get away from the familiarity and to loose oneself in the craziness of being lost, because there, one is found and one can see and hear and one can be free.

I was listening to Yeats' poem, Those Dancing Days are Gone, sung by Carla Bruni and was struck by the truth and beauty of the words. I know beauty sounds so fucking cliche but what can I do? It's not like I can really describe it or shove it into your face so that you can experience it as I do. So, beauty it is. If you know what I mean, then you know. If not, well, sucks to be you. hope you find it somewhere. Here's the poem below:

Come, let me sing into your ear;
Those dancing days are gone,
All that silk and satin gear;
Crouch upon a stone,
Wrapping that foul body up
In as foul a rag:I carry the sun in a golden cup.
The moon in a silver bag.

Curse as you may I sing it through;
What matter if the knave
That the most could pleasure you,
The children that he gave,
Are somewhere sleeping like a top
Under a marble flag?
I carry the sun in a golden cup.
The moon in a silver bag.

I thought it out this very day.
Noon upon the clock,
A man may put pretence away
Who leans upon a stick,
May sing, and sing until he drop,
Whether to maid or hag:
I carry the sun in a golden cup,
The moon in a silver bag.

So the entire poem is like a passage of time and, it's talking about how everything doesn't matter when we'red dead. And yet, the poem is hopeful, because it tells us to just live. Everything will pass, and time carries" the sun in a golden cup, the moon in a silver bag," to another day.

=)

Korea

So, I'm in Korea. and am surrounded by... gulp. Koreans. Doesn't sound like much a revelation to the people back in U.S.A. but hell, I've been going through a hell of a culture shock during the ten hours I've been here. Honestly. it kind of sucks that I have to spend a whole month here, but I'm sure that's just because I miss the comforts of home and haven't really gotten around here... in KOREA... much. It's just, I realized just why the U.S.A. is the U.S.A. and why it's so fucking great. Everything makes sense. Here, it's like. people tried to develop too quickly and grew extra limbs. I don't know! So, if I get inspired or something or just find myself being... gulp... KOREAN. I'll be sure to update. =)

Till then,

Me

Failure

Ok. I can't cook! I can't preheat the oven! I'm sorry! O_O SAVE ME? SOMEONE?

Yearbook from... 3 years ago.

Ahahahahaha.

People never change. This is truth.

Or not? I don't know. So I found this yearbook that I bought at the end of freshman year (prep year for prep school kids) of high school. Funny thing is, all the comments in the 2007 yearbook are almost identical to that in my 2010 yearbook. Which probs means, I'm like the same person. So much for growing up. teehee.

Also, sometimes it sucks to be Male. Not often, but SOMETIMES, THE WORLD IS UNFAIR. BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/angler

cheers,

me.

Jose Saramago Dies

Who the hell is Jose Saramago, says the average person?

and I have no right to judge.

I would have been average too, had I not been forced to read his book, The Cave. That statement is false. I'm probably average either way. Anyway, I didn't particularly enjoy reading it. In fact, I never did read the full book, but there's something about death that just compels one to look again, to read again, to find meaning in someone's work -- What was he trying to say? What was the message he left for us all? Did he ever find anything beautiful in this world?

I haven't gotten to rereading the book, but from what I remember, it was about what was real and what was not. What was artificial, the need to conform, the need to be original and the burning desire to live as one sees fit, a struggle to preserve one's identity, and a fight to exist.

Now I know all that seems pretty wishy washy and I admit, I probably would have been able to give a more concrete analysis had I actually read the book thoroughly, but honestly, I think it's quite boring to have someone else place structure on something that you should probably figure out yourself. Of course, I haven't exactly given you a good enough reason (or shall I call it advertisement) for you to go, get the book, and start to read, but, I assure you, you will not be disappointed... and if you are disappointed, well, what can I say? Suck it up, buster. Life is full of disappointments and that's a cliche that will never EVER go away.

So what's the point of me mentioning this author other than the fact that he was a good writer and had a message for the world? Well, I guess what I want to discuss, and what I've been struggling with for a while, is the idea of mediocrity.

How does one define mediocrity?

Well, dictionary.com defines it as:

–noun, plural -ties.

1.

the state or quality of being mediocre.

2.

mediocre ability or accomplishment.

3.

a mediocre person.

HM... it seems the better option is to type in MEDIOCRE:

–adjective

1.

of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.

2.

rather poor or inferior.

And. Let's not forget our best friend, wikipedia: And we get. the mediocrity principle. which is really interesting, so I'll leave the link, but not really related to this post: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mediocrity_principle

So, according to dictionary.com, something mediocre is something average but barely so. Well, the term used is adequate and since we all know that the average person is barely adequate, I guess it's a false statement to say that something mediocre is barely average. But really, the previous statement is faulty as well and since it would probably take a while to do anything with the vague definition given, let's just skip all this (I know, I'm not particularly in the mood to do anything but rant so forgive the lack of even the small bit of intelligence I think I usually have) and just go by gut instinct. Being mediocre is, in short, being invisible.

Regardless of innate talent, hard work, perseverance, or one's personal values on life, mediocrity is the state of not being known. I'm not saying one has to be super famous and in the spotlight all the time, because as an intelligent, above average person like you might argue, many in the spotlight are mediocre. But, I'm trying to explore a side of mediocrity that people rarely try to define because it's scary. No one wants to be mediocre. So, what do I mean by being invisible? By that, I mean the inability to use one's talents to change the world. Does that sound cliche? I assure you its not, because the truth of the matter is, most people don't have the talent to change the world much less the ability to use those talents. Here already, are two sides of being average and boring and dull. 1) you are just born that way. 2) you had some potential but due to some circumstances, probably your own inner weaknesses, you are unable to manifest those talents.

In the first case, one has no use except to be a construction worker. That is, in essence, manual labor for another that is talented or to act as the weaker counterpart in a comparison that glorifies the other, the talented individual. The second is the sad act of neglecting oneself and allowing one's brains to literally turn into mush.

Now the first case, what can you do about being born less talented? Not much. Work hard and you will accomplish something, at least. You will be a good worker, have a better life, be a good parent, etc. But what does it mean to be more than that, to rise out of mediocrity into a different plane in which one is free from the average banter and can actually do something? That is left for the few talented individuals around the world.

Now, I feel like a lot of people assume that they are average. And for most of them, that is true. However, there are a lot more talented people in this world than the few that have become visible. Why is that? Why does a potentially amazing person just shrivel up and die and become part of the masses, a construction worker, so to speak?

I suppose, at first, it doesn't sound too logical (or maybe it does?). If you have gold, why bury it? Why not spend it? or Invest it? Why hide it away and act poor?

I don't think anyone truly knows what they're capable of until they reach for their limits. That is, they try. They work hard. This is true for anyone. Without hard work, no matter how endowed a person is, he is bound to fail. So why does the potential world changer choose to fail? Well, it's because of the potential. Here again, are already two sides to this argument.

1) The individual realizes he has more potential than his peers and fails to cultivate his talents as a result of laziness and arrogance. That is, he believes he will always be better than the people around him. And so, he fails. I was watching a Korean drama and this proverb came up: Though some are born knowing it, others know by learning it and still others struggle to learn it, the knowledge obtained is the same. The average man who works hard will be able to obtain a large amount knowledge even without talents, perhaps, slower than the talented individual who tries, but up to a certain point, he can learn. Here in, the lazy, endowed one fails, because he fails to build the fundamentals that all people, regardless of talent, can learn. Thus, he becomes less that mediocre. Can he dig himself out of this mediocrity? Yes, he can. Does he? In most cases, no. He has lost the time to build a solid work ethic and as an adult, lacks the will power to change his habits. Or in the saddest of cases, his brain has rotted away. That is, he has now truly become average. In the rare case that the individual does dig himself out of the pit, he will perhaps become greater than even the originally hard working individuals around him, because he knows the true value of hard work and the rampant struggle out of the mediocrity. This, however, rarely happens.

2) The individual is afraid of being mediocre, so he doesn't try. Now, that doesn't seem to make sense for most people. If someone is talented, then why wouldn't he try? Why would he choose to be mediocre if he's afraid of being mediocre? Well, the reason is simple enough. Though a lot of people start out above average, the truth of the matter is, not all of them are really... talented. They are just normal people who are more efficient construction workers, so to speak. So, some of the world changers are lost because they never really want to know what their limits are. They are afraid to try and then realize that they are just as mediocre as their average neighbor. For them, being mediocre and having potential is better than trying to realize that potential and finding that that potential wasn't that great. Having potential and not utilizing it is a means for them to ward off their own inner doubts of mediocrity. That is, they often think, "I might not have accomplished A like Person A, but if I had tried, I would have accomplished it and more, but since I'm lazy, I couldn't accomplish it." because they don't want to face, "I can't accomplish A like Person A because I am less talented than Person A."

3) The talented individual wants to live a quiet life, away from visibility. A famous quote by Jack Kerouac goes like this: "All our best men are laughed at in this nightmare land." (And if you don't know famous American author and poet Jack Kerouac, here's the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kerouac). The fact of the matter is, the visible individual is a lonely one. Even his close friends, his construction workers, they are bound to envy him. Envy leads to fear. And if I may quote my good friend Yoda, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering" So this act of rising out of mediocrity not only is a matter of talent or of hard work but of deep courage and audacity.

And I could go on and on, but the truth of the matter is, I doubt anyone will actually read all of this and if someone does take the time, I hope he or she will offer his or her own thoughts to this rant of mine.

Until the next time I post,

bye bye.

FUN FUN FUN~ in CALIFORNIA

WOW, so I know California isn't like, um, let's say Ghana or the Czech Republic, but just the feeling of being away from home makes me happy. A friend of mine told me yesterday that home made him feel lazy and nihilistic. Well, I don't know about the nihilistic part, but definitely, I had been getting those lazy vibes, so it's great to be out here in California where the objective IS to have fun. I like that. While some may argue that having fun might not be much different from being lazy, there is a fundamental difference in activity level, perhaps not physically, but definitely mentally. That is, there is a certain direction to the moment, whether that's hanging out at the beach, going to an intense Tae Bo session or watching fireworks at Disneyland (which was pretty fantastic! It made me feel all gooey and happy inside).

Speaking of Disneyland, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disneyland), all I can say is WOW. Last time I was there was 2 and a half years ago and I don't recall it being this much fun. That's probably because when I went last time, there wasn't much time and there were so many freaking people at the park, also, our tickets only let us choose between Disneyland and California rather than letting us switch back and forth. Yesterday, however, it was a different story. Sure, the lines were still long and we had to get fastpasses and everything, but just the idea that there were no time restraints. And if there was a sense of boredom or tiredness from the long waits and the just-for-kids-really rides at the park, the fireworks and the fantasmick show made the whole day worth it. If Disney is stingy with the ride length, the food, and the souvenirs, it sure isn't with the evening shows.There was this cool thing where they projected some clips from old Disney movies, Fantasia, Sleeping Beauty, etc. onto a spray of water. Pretty cool, if I may say so myself. =) So a great day at Disney. I would go again just for the shows, but my legs are tired from taebo and from all that walking. =)

So today, is rest time and then more Tae bo. Annnnnnnd Tomorrow is VEGAS.

You Can Never Be Sick When You Want to Be: and if you want to be sick, karma is bound to bite a large chunk out of your ass.

I'll admit, I wasn't the best student in high school. Let's clarify that statement. I was probably one of the worst students. Ok, maybe I'm overestimating myself but, I was a pretty terrible student. I hated going to class. Now, most people do, but at least they go. I didn't, not if I could get away with it. The best way to get out of class is well, being sick. You know how the swine flu was going around last fall? Everyone didn't want to get it, except, well, me. Some people purelled their hands like crazy, others incessantly washed their hands and faces, and others just wore face masks. I didn't use hand sanitizer. I washed my hands, maybe like, 3 times a day and I never became a parody of batman. So, I should get sick, right? False. I didn't get sick. Who did? All the people who wanted to stay healthy, go to class, be a good person. And honestly, when you think about it, that's so freaking unfair - more unfair than the world should be - it just defies all probability. The world is purposely fucking with us all. It gives you the opposite of what you wish for and it doesn't help that you lie to try to trick it into giving you what you want. So, now I'm home, resting, relaxing, ready to finally have fun, travel, go to California, Seoul, Shanghai, Osaka, Bangkok - places (oh the places you'll go!), I get sick and not with some lousy common cold (it probably is the lousy common cold) but this head crunching, nose congesting, lymph node swelling bastard that has, as of 11:34 P.M. June 10, 2010, incapacitated me beyond all necessary bounds. Wow, Life Freaking Sucks. You know how I said shittiness is a gift sometimes? Well, it certainly isn't one today. It might have been a couple of weeks ago, but then again, it wouldn't have been so shitty. Damn, I can't even get sick when I want to, and now that I don't want to, my request comes along... super delayed. WTF. I would say that coined phrase a lot of people like (probably why its coined in the first place), FML, but really, I don't want anyone to fuck my life, because that would really piss me off and quite honestly, would kill me at the moment. Sigh. So now that you know I'm sick and I hate it and I'm miserable (I think I'm pretty miserable all the time anyway), you'll have to forgive me for the lack of intelligent, hell, even coherent thought (not that I usually have any (actually, this post is actually focused instead of all over the place)). Now I'm going to continue resting and being a sloth. though knowing my luck, it won't do me any good.

Farewell my sexy reader(s),

Until I feel better,

me.

Gone

When it's time, not only to leave a place, perhaps a home, but to leave a time behind you, whether childhood, adolescence, there is a feeling of inexpressible love and sorrow. I will never be the same again. I will never have the same freedom or brashness because I have grown. And that, is the beauty of the last moments before the transition- those last minutes that can't even be savored because of the emotional burden that is suddenly imposed on the individual. Those moments will be treasured, however, because one tries so hard to not forget, to cling even a little bit to the past, to the known, to home. What does one do when stripped of a home? When stripped of the small respite found? How does one begin again? How does one see the point in beginning again? In another four years, another home will be stripped and another respite broken. How does one bring oneself to stand up and move on?

I wrote a letter to my 18 year old self when I was fourteen. After reading it four years later, I realize that the questions written in it will always remain: "Who are you? What have I become? Will you remember me, your 14 year old self?"

Well, 22 year old self

26 year old self

30 year old self

40 year old self

80 year old self

who are you? What will I become? will you remember me, your 18 year old self? I sure hope so, because I don't want to forget - both the good and the bad. It's been a wonderful four years. Four years of finding myself, of growing, of thinking, of rebelling, of freedom, of breathing, of singing. of dying, of rebirth, of love, of like, of friendship, of rivalry, of music, and of living. Just living. Being. Existing. It's all gone in a moment, but it is always present. So, my 14-year-old self from back in 2006, I remember. I love you. I've become someone you can be proud of- maybe different from what you thought, vastly different, but I've become someone wiser, more appreciative of the beauty around me, so full with the vividness of the current time- so be proud. and my 40 year-old self, here I come. Please don't have midlife crisis waiting for me.

How do we move on? We just do, because we know that there is something potentially better, more beautiful as we move forward. So, proud class of 2010, we're off to a new world.

Mental Math

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would not write on any nerdy subjects because I figured, if you were really interested, instead of reading my hopelessly insufficient explanations, you'd wiki it. Or... maybe even go further from wiki-ing it (yes, i have turned wiki into a verb) and maybe go and get a book. But, today I might have to break that promise. I'll leave it up to... well... potentially the one person reading this blog to decide whether the post is nerdy enough, that is- academically intriguing enough to be considered nerdy.(and because I always do this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nerd).

So I borrowed this book called Secrets of Mental Math from a good friend (at least I think we're good friends. Who really knows what goes on on the other side of things?), who, quite frankly, is a nerd. Oooooooohh! aaaaaaaaahhhhh! Anyway, I'm not much of a math, science-y person. Well, honestly, I'm not much of a humanities/artsy type either nor am I into econ, politics, whatever. I guess I just hate academics and am just too lazy to find out what I actually like. Going back to the point, I don't particularly like learning, well anything. Anything includes math. Now, let me tell you how bad I am at math. I can't add. I can't multiply. I once said 6 x 8 was 42. It kind of freaks me out that so many people ask me for math help. I'm basically on par with... um... a 6-year-old. So this book, Secrets of Mental Math, bound to be boring for someone like me, right? False! It's actually really interesting and totally NOT about Fermat's last theorem but about how to make everyday calculations like tax and tip easy to do in... well... your head. And the thing that freaks me out even more is that most of the strategies used to "be a genius and show off your math skills" are actually strategies that I use everyday to make my life easier! The only thing is, the authors, Arthur Benjamin and Michael Shermer, assume that the reader can do basic arithmetic. Well, they should publish a book called, how to make adding single digits more easily or multiplication tables for dummies that stick. I don't know. Despite my severe learning impairment, however, I was able to 1) learn a couple awesome tricks 2) find someone out there who breaks down math problems like I do and 3) amaze a couple friends... except for one friend, who didn't read the book, who got the answer faster than I did.... and by a couple seconds. Now a couple seconds might sound trivial to you, but... she sort of said the answer in a split second while I, straggling along, confirmed the answer 6 seconds later. Yeah, big delay, so much for impressing someone.

So, in order to impress, I'll have to sort of plagiarize the book, but only a couple tricks. I mean, the true beauty in this stuff is to share the magic or as Professor Benjamin says, "mathemagics."

What's 48 x 11?

I'll give you five seconds!

Was that too hard? (the answer is 528)

How about this one?

26 x 11

Quick! Two seconds!

Times up! Did you get it? (286)

So, how do you do these really quickly?

Well, the way I do it is

e.g. 89 x 11

89 x 10 + 89 = 979

But! Benjamin suggests this:

Condition: One of the two numbers being multiplied is 11

1) add the digits of the not-11 number

2) stick it in between the digits

3) if the sum of the digits is greater than 9, add 1 to the largest place and stick the (sum - 10) in the middle.

E.g. 23 x 11

2 + 3 = 5

Answer: 253

Ex. 2) 69 x 11

6 + 9 = 15

Answer: 759

And so on. Can this work for numbers greater than 2 digits multiplied by 11? Yes! Will I tell you? Well, I think any more than this would be considered plagiarism, so check out the book yourselves! http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Mental-Math-Mathemagicians-Calculation/dp/0307338401.

I'm sure you'd greatly improve basic math skills! Be sure to know how to add/multiply single digits well! =)

No deep message to this blog message. =)

See ya later!

hehe

Quotes

So, Today is a particularly stressful day for me. In ten years, every day will be stressful. I'll have a job (oh bummer) from 9:00 A.M. to 5:30 P.M. Mondays - Fridays and I'll probably have kids... ooh... scary thought. These little tykes will ruin my life. I'll mark my own words. But, because I am young and have the privilege of only having certain days be stressful, today is a particularly stressful day for me. What does one do when stressed? Binge on food? Tried that, felt fat, then got intense stomach pains, and ... let's just say it wasn't pretty. Not eating? Felt numb, then weak, then binge eating, then felt fat, got intense stomach pains and... let's really just say it wasn't pretty. Now, I could go on and on and be all negative and turn your fabulous day into a shitty shithole of an evening, but that would make me feel depressed as well and what would that achieve? That would totally be throwing utilitarianism out the window... I think. So, today, since my own words are bound to be harsh and abrasive and make me and... possibly you... want to die, and because I'm not really in the mood to tell you to wiki death, though, if you're so inclined to, here's the link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death), I'll offer myself and you if you want it, some advice from... um... other people. Hence, QUOTES.

Everyone knows and loves Dr. Seuss. If you don't, well, sorry you're not American. (Did I just say something that's politically incorrect? Is Dr. Seuss big in, say, Scandinavia or... Estonia or... wait no, it can't be big in Canada? Right?! I'm kidding. Don't kill me. I love Canadians and Scandinavians and Estonians and people. (false. to the comment about liking people). Anyway, just for kicks, I looked up politically incorrect things to say. This is what came up: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200706/ten-politically-incorrect-truths-about-human-nature.

Have fun reading it. I stopped after reading "blond bombshells." ) Dr. Seuss was a fucking genius. Not a genius writer, a genius children's book author, but a genius. He is like, the only person on this planet who managed to put life lessons that all parents have to teach their screaming and whiny kids into fun and colorful picture books. Now that's talent and if someone tells me that Le Petit Prince is also a brilliant children's book, I suggest that person read that book again. It's not a children's book. It's not written like one and it's just scary, or maybe Americans are just stupid. That's probably the truth. But anyway, I was looking at all these "inspirational" quotes and I realized that when someone pissed off, or at least when I am, all these quotes sound so fucking toolish and out of the hundreds that I've read (and I've actually been reading hundreds of quotes), it turns out the only ones that I liked and felt were genuine were from Dr. Seuss. So, cheers to Dr. Seuss.

And Now, Our feature Presentation: Quotes by Dr. Seuss.

"Today, you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Why I like this quote: It doesn't say anything about you being a good person or a bad person or a boring person or a shy person. It just states what people (me included) take for granted or think is obvious. Well, bitches and bastards and me, I think we all need to face the facts. We are who we are and that's the truth and that will always be the truth and nothing can change that truth.

Now isn't that inspirational? And if you think that previous sentence was sarcastic, you are a cynical and terrible person and you should stop reading. Right. Now.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Rationale: I mean, how beautiful is that? It just speaks for itself. Yeah, it's sort of cliche, but only because it's so beautiful. I tend to be the person always thinking about the end of things: How am I going to move on without this or without that person or without friday night parties? But this quote really makes me think about living in the moment. Living in the Now. Living those fucking cliches and not trying to be so "modern" about things, not trying so hard to be different, to make a difference but to enjoy living, to enjoy my heartbeats and the blood that's pumping into my brains and then after it's all over, whether by growing older, or by dying, to be glad for "every single moment of my stupid little life." (American Beauty)

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Rationale: This one speaks for itself.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

Rationale: I know this quote and people think about falling in love as loving a person, an object, a career or whatever people "love" in their lives, but really I think this quote relates to the the previous quote. In this world, Everyone minds about you being you and you speaking what the you inside of you really wants to say. But finding someone, anyone, friends, family, lover, your dog, who truly doesn't mind and truly likes you for you- finding that escape from this hellish world, that's when you know you're in love and that you finally can want to stop sleeping because you're finally awake.

"I have heard there are trouble of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

Rationale: That's fucking fantastic! It's optimistic but not pigheadedly delusional. It's motivational. It's welcoming the shit with open arms and finding the strength to literally beat the shit out of the shit. whoa. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. Yeah. Like I said, Dr. Seuss, you are my hero.

Now That I've calmed down and feel better thanks to mr. genius, I'll share the only quote I found today not by Dr. Seuss that I liked which was by Oscar Wilde:

"No man dies for what he knows to be true. Men die for what they want to be true, for what some terror in their hearts tells them is not true."

Lesson of the day: Don't die for yourself. You are you. Don't die for something you know is truer than true.

So, enjoy your beautiful days people, though some people might hate having so many beautiful days.

I'll end by a quote from White Mischief (the 1988 movie): "Oh God, not another fucking beautiful day."

That's right. Shittiness is also a gift sometimes.

The Day After

This was on my bottle of Honest Tea: "I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things I have not." -Lucille Ball

So most people know who Lucille Ball is. Maybe that's an assumption. I Love Lucy anyone? Anyway, according to Wikipedia (yes yes, the source of all truth), she died of a dissecting aortic aneurysm. Know what that is? I do. At least, I do now. Here's the link if you're really curious. Not that you would be, but if you want to know what I'm talking about, then:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissecting_aortic_aneurysm

If you're not curious and would like everything spelled out for you, then my insufficient definition (or attempt at summarizing more like) will have to suffice. Basically, it's when you have a tear in your artery and the blood starts leaking into the walls of the artery. If the influx of blood is so bad that your artery actually ruptures, well, you're screwed. If you're not convinced, then take a pin and stick it into a carotid artery. Maybe yours or someone else's. Actually, don't do that. It's not something you want to try at home. Just a side note, do you even know what a carotid artery is? If not, look it up. If you do know, good for you. Tell me what it is? I'm kidding. I actually look things up, on Wikipedia anyways, which is a perfectly legitimate source. I mean, despite what people say about wrong information and what not, who the hell is going to edit a page on dissecting aortic aneurysm unless he actually knows what it is? I don't know. Maybe I have too much faith in humanity, but I'd like to think that generally, people don't want to be laughed at. But really, enough defending Wikipedia. (I can sort of see why blogging is fun. Rambling and ranting and writing useless crap - I'm definitely seeing the appeal.)

Back to Lucille Ball. Or rather her quote.

Actually, let's deviate a little here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h4f77T-LoM

So we have this singer, Florence Foster Jenkins. I'm not quite sure she has the qualifications to be called a singer, but for the sake of communication, we'll call her a singer.

She has the really famous quote, something she said after she got... some... multiple... reviews by music critics about her performance of Mozart's (forgive my rudeness Wolfgang) Queen of the Night: "Some people said I couldn't sing, but no one could say I didn't sing."

Well, let me say this now, I can damn well say she didn't sing because she couldn't sing. I know that sounds stupid because whoever's reading this (I'll just use the second person), so you, you think I'm just being an ass and though I fully understand (or maybe I don't (according to you)) what she means, I'm purposely misinterpreting it.

In some sense, yes. That is the truth, but let me defend myself. In fact, even if you don't let me, I will. Did you catch the irony of the previous sentence? No? Well, then you missed the point entirely, but I'll give you another chance. You can refuse. Get it now? I'm guessing you probably don't. If you do, I apologize for the assumption.

So, let's take apart this quote.

"Some people said I couldn't sing, but no one can say I didn't."

according to dictionary.com, 'could' is an auxiliary verb that expresses possibility. e.g. I could stop writing this blog.

'Could' expresses conditional possibility. e.g. If I wrote in coherent sentences, I could get my meaning across to you.

So, "some people said I couldn't sing."

- some people said that I had no possibility of singing.

That is, she cannot, as a human being, sing. Whatever comes out of her mouth is not singing.

"but no one can say I didn't sing."

In the latter half of the sentence, 'did' serves as an auxiliary verb. Correct me if I'm wrong. Once again, according to dictionary.com, 'did' means to 'to perform, to accomplish, to finish, to complete' and so on.

"but no one can say I didn't sing"

Well, if you do not have the possibility/capability of singing, then you cannot possibly accomplish the feat. Thus, I can say she didn't sing. Of course, even if my statement was false, I could say it anyway, but that's not the point.

What is the point? Why am I being so technical when I know what she means to say. That is, though she was not appreciated and that, in itself was perfectly fine, no one can deny her courage and willingness to put herself out there in public to do what she loves. I mean, there are nuances in the English language that aren't perfectly square with textbook definitions. That's why we have idioms, right? Or not. You're free to dispute anything I say. I welcome it, in fact.

The point is, there are things we can and cannot do. Lucille Ball's quote said that it better regretting having done something than it is for not doing something. But I think that assumes that you have an option at the crossroads. I'm not getting into a free will argument. I'm not saying something like, if cause and effect exist, then there can be no free will or anything remotely like it. Though, that might be an interesting topic to blog about. What I'm trying to say is that people make decisions based on the environment around them. By environment, I'm talking about everything, your life issues, family, mood, etc. So in retrospect, yes, one can say I should have done something or I wish I had gone somewhere, but Lucille Ball's statement gives me the sense that not doing anything is passive. I actually think it's very active. Can you really say that in the situation, in the circumstances of a particular moment, you really had the option/possibility of carrying out an action? Let's go back to Jenkins; I say she had no capability of singing. Did she act on her passions? Yes. Did she sing? Actually sing? That's debatable. In a similar manner, can an individual really gripe about what he "did not do." Was there really a possibility for achieving a certain action? That being said, regret is just a human emotion imposed by humans on a series of events. Well, generally, emotions and thoughts and theses are, but I'm asking, is regret necessary at all? In retrospect, many things become clear, but in the now, everything is very muddled. So why even bother wasting your energy regretting? Lucille Ball says, "I would rather regret..." That is, if she were to regret, not that she did regret anything but if she were to, she would rather regret having done something. But I say, why even think about that comparison? Why think about that option when it really shouldn't be necessary to think about it? That is, instead of thinking of retracting what you have done, whether thats not doing a certain thing or by smoking or something, why not think of what you can do and how those moments have created a basis for you to have more possibilities and capabilities?

Well,

That's it for the day.

Blogging

So, I'm not quite sure what blogging is, but a friend of mine told me it's fun. well, I sure hope it's fun because I'm bored and tired but really, just bored. I guess I should really figure out what blogging is in the first place... ah well.