Tuesday. (Not Friday)

Today, I feel angry and somewhat helpless.

But. Work still needs to be done.

Hence, time to tool!

2011

So, I came back to this blog and realized that I had no posts in the year 2011. I wish I could say that that was the motivation behind writing this entry, but really, I'm punting doing maths (yes, maths. NOT math). Honestly, I think my life is good. A lot of kids are stressing about their college lives, coursework, social scene, work, etc. I'm not. Maybe it's because alcohol, drugs, substance abuse don't really appeal to me. Maybe it's because I'm not particularly into making new friends or going on a hookup spree at the moment. Actually, those things have never really appealed to me. I think I had a lot of emotional moments in 2010, but I am happy to report that I am relatively stable! I have just been spending my time punting classes and learning material that I actually have interest in. Sometimes, the going has been hard, but there's something so awesome in that moment where you dig deeper into some subject matter and it's like bam bam bam - the universe just becomes that much more freaking amazing! Often, I feel so stupid and small, but that always drives me to learn more, ask more questions, etc. so life is GOOD. and life has been KIND to me. I only hope that this will last.

Maria, Full of Grace (but not really)

Maria Jun,

You are simply.

Fantasmic

Fantabulous

Oh wait, I think i'm talking about myself.

Anyway,

This is a blag entry devoted to Maria.

BLAG

Often, I check this blag and I realize I haven't been taking much care of it. Well, what can I say? There's not much I want to throw out there at the moment. Not that this means that my life is boring. I personally find something quite fantastic about living and learning... sort of. Last week, I finally got around to reading Sunzi's Art of War and Machiavelli's Prince. Do I sound like a megalomaniac to you? If I do, you are a good judge of character (at least, in this case.). But my obsession with war, conquest, politics, strange as it may seem, are quite separate from my obsession with taking over the world. OR maybe not. I just get a kick from reading different methodologies (or rather philosophies?), perhaps strategies, behind war, who wages war, why wars are fought, if wars are truly inevitable, etc. While I would love to get in the arena one day, I'd like to just analyze the way people work rather than be part of the broiling masses. My interest lies not in interacting, but in dissecting for the sole purpose of investigation. Me ruling the world is a branch of my idealistic, "the world can be saved and I'm going to do it," whatever you call that, while my obsession with war is more based on understanding... gulp.... humans, like da Vinci ripping open cadavers.

So if at any time, I find myself wanting to blurt out a connection I've seen or something utterly amazing that I need to discuss, I'll write an entry. If not, well, don't check the blog. and stop complaining. geez.

LIFE

Lately, I'm been in this super stellar mood where I am ridiculously bitter, and then I become ridiculously angry and then I just feel nothing. I thought to blame it on my female anatomy, aka that time of the month, but apparently it's not that. Here are a list of some of my other symptoms:

1) two to three hours in bed before I fall asleep; I wake up an hour later.

2) increasingly sensitive to and irritated by subtle gestures that seem to be negative (e.g. when people agree with you while their eyes point to the side instead of looking at you.)

3) following 2, overanalyzing situations and seeing unfounded connections.

I typed this up and searched on wiki. I got, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder.

... And some symptoms for PTSD are:

difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance

ok. So clearly, (or maybe it's not clear to you), I don't have PTSD. I mean... psychological trauma? I don't think I've had any particularly intense experiences. Ok. that's a lie. I can recall a few that I won't divulge because. well. In all honesty, I'm not good with emotions. at. all.

Anyway, it's a bit unnerving that the symptoms match up so well. Then again, for a couple weeks, I did think I was bi-polar. which I now know that I'm not. Something about psychological disorders just resonates with me. Either that means the disorders are overblown, or I'm seriously fucked up. I always said I was fucked up. Now I think I'm starting to accept it.

People

I should really be doing my p-set, but today, I finally reached this stage of blinding hatred for one of my "close" friends.

I always tell people I have no expectations, so they should relax around me. I won't judge. And I won't. Because I don't believe in people. I don't have faith in people. People means the masses, the conglomeration and melding of personalities into a disgusting uniform blob. Sometimes, this conformity may be good, benign, or bad. It's predictable, and understandable. The idea can be irrational, but it can be comprehended.

Individuals, on the other hand, are a whole different story. I believe in an individual. If I see you as an individual person, it's because I can trust you to be rational, logical, and loyal to yourself, to the person you declared yourself to be. So I have enormous faith in the person. This does not mean that I trust that particular person or expect loyalty from them. I don't. I'm not that stupid. But I am stupid for a different reason. Once I trust an individual, I will never ever betray that person. Why should I choose trust someone? Because he gives me the opportunity to give him a chance. He gives me valid reason to take that step. This is not why I am stupid. In this world, anyone who only trusts himself is bound to fail. I am stupid because once a trusted individual betrays me, I should know never, ever to trust that individual again. But time and time again, I have allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of comfort and security around that exact same individual. And that is what is so stupid. Betrayal is bitter, and excruciating. And it makes me realize just how weak humans are. I have never thought myself to be a strong person. However, I am firm in my convictions. Unfortunately, it appears that this is not true for many individuals. In fact, the really stupid thing is, I should have no expectations for those individuals in the first place since they are just parts of masses as opposed to unique entities. I can only blame myself for having an untrained eye and for being so naive.

College III - Laundry Day

I've never done laundry in my life. I rarely do the dishes. I rarely cook. Actually I can't cook. I suppose I'm spoiled. Ok, so I'm spoiled.

but today, I learned how to do laundry.

It was a bit daunting.

but I managed.

Well, we'll see how the load turns out.

o.O

O.o

O.O

ok. I'm freaking out.