BLAG

Often, I check this blag and I realize I haven't been taking much care of it. Well, what can I say? There's not much I want to throw out there at the moment. Not that this means that my life is boring. I personally find something quite fantastic about living and learning... sort of. Last week, I finally got around to reading Sunzi's Art of War and Machiavelli's Prince. Do I sound like a megalomaniac to you? If I do, you are a good judge of character (at least, in this case.). But my obsession with war, conquest, politics, strange as it may seem, are quite separate from my obsession with taking over the world. OR maybe not. I just get a kick from reading different methodologies (or rather philosophies?), perhaps strategies, behind war, who wages war, why wars are fought, if wars are truly inevitable, etc. While I would love to get in the arena one day, I'd like to just analyze the way people work rather than be part of the broiling masses. My interest lies not in interacting, but in dissecting for the sole purpose of investigation. Me ruling the world is a branch of my idealistic, "the world can be saved and I'm going to do it," whatever you call that, while my obsession with war is more based on understanding... gulp.... humans, like da Vinci ripping open cadavers.

So if at any time, I find myself wanting to blurt out a connection I've seen or something utterly amazing that I need to discuss, I'll write an entry. If not, well, don't check the blog. and stop complaining. geez.

LIFE

Lately, I'm been in this super stellar mood where I am ridiculously bitter, and then I become ridiculously angry and then I just feel nothing. I thought to blame it on my female anatomy, aka that time of the month, but apparently it's not that. Here are a list of some of my other symptoms:

1) two to three hours in bed before I fall asleep; I wake up an hour later.

2) increasingly sensitive to and irritated by subtle gestures that seem to be negative (e.g. when people agree with you while their eyes point to the side instead of looking at you.)

3) following 2, overanalyzing situations and seeing unfounded connections.

I typed this up and searched on wiki. I got, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder.

... And some symptoms for PTSD are:

difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance

ok. So clearly, (or maybe it's not clear to you), I don't have PTSD. I mean... psychological trauma? I don't think I've had any particularly intense experiences. Ok. that's a lie. I can recall a few that I won't divulge because. well. In all honesty, I'm not good with emotions. at. all.

Anyway, it's a bit unnerving that the symptoms match up so well. Then again, for a couple weeks, I did think I was bi-polar. which I now know that I'm not. Something about psychological disorders just resonates with me. Either that means the disorders are overblown, or I'm seriously fucked up. I always said I was fucked up. Now I think I'm starting to accept it.